


The Weight of Words

by rusticshrubs



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Depression, Gen, Grief, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Irondad, Mostly hurt, Spoilers, based off of avengers endgame... that scene. yknow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 08:42:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18617143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rusticshrubs/pseuds/rusticshrubs
Summary: Tony Stark knows time cannot outweigh grief.Never.Avengers: Endgame spoilers.





	The Weight of Words

**Author's Note:**

> so this was based off the scene where tony gets back to earth. in the theater i think you could actually hear my heart cracking in two.  
> i love tony and peter's dynamic and relationship so much. the movie killed me.

Tony finally stumbled out of the ramshackle ship he dubbed a makeshift home over his past few weeks of drifting through space. It began to feel more like a floating grave as the days slowly went on - his thoughts always circling back to _him_ , to Thanos, and those he took away from him. And though she was the plague’s daughter, Nebula had been stoically kind - a welcome distraction to the darkness that overwhelmed him when he was alone.

When a bright, golden light neared their ship, Tony was on the brink of unconsciousness. He wondered, numbly, if he was about to die. Was this his reward for all he had done? Tony Stark was the gray area between guilty and innocent, something he drilled into his mind since he left his cave in Afghanistan. Yet, if he was taken anywhere, he only hoped his loved ones would be there as well.

The kid was dead.

 _Peter_ was dead. And Tony didn’t want him to be alone anymore, like he was on Titan - an unspeakable distance away from his aunt, his friends. So if Tony had a shot at redemption for failing to save Peter, he would take it - in life, and in death. He only hoped that this mysterious golden light would grant him clemency and let him see his protege one more time.

It seemed the universe did not want Iron Man gone just yet. He could not understand why, but Carol Danvers said not a word to him nor Nebula as she carried the ship effortlessly back home. Tony forced his eyes to stay open, out of caution that if he slept, he wouldn’t wake up again. It didn’t sound completely unbearable. But then again, he still had people he cared about, who would never forgive him if he died such a simple death. A reminder would be given that _he was human_ , that _Tony Stark had a heart_ , if he passed on from starvation alone.

It was nightfall on Earth, the obsidian and cobalt blue sky silent and anticipating as a small crowd of familiar faces approached the looming spacecraft. The Avengers headquarters looked smaller than he remembered, but maybe it was just because half the population was wiped out.

Nebula held his shoulders and steadied him with each step. She reminded him of Pete, in some foreign, subtle way. Her intelligence, her kind heart. However, the similarities stopped there, and Tony simply wanted to close his eyes and sleep. Less because of his body failing to function, and more of his desire to no longer stay awake. He wanted to drift off into the empty space tucked behind dreams and nightmares, where no one could find him, where he forgot who he was.

It felt surreal as Steve hastily ran up to him, looking not much different from when he last saw him. But they had changed. Something in Tony’s eyes had shifted, like he was looking through a filter - one that shrouded the world in helplessness.

“I couldn’t stop him,” Tony said, staring blankly at the ground as they walked together. His exhaustion was crippling. He struggled to stay on his feet, and felt a strong arm hold him up, the constant ache of fatigue and hunger continuing its reign on his body.

The blond man then muttered the first words he heard from him in what felt like decades. “Neither could I.”

Tony vaguely acknowledged the other shadows quickly approaching him, but his vision blurred and his mind swirled in a daze - sorrow brushing over his features. Shoulders sagging, he sighed out with a bone-deep resignation - looking Steve exhaustively in the eye. The words were too hard to say, even after weeks of silent contemplation lost in space. He swallowed, the dryness in his throat easing slightly, but returning a few short moments later. It was like the sadness - he would repress it only for it to be harder the next time he tried.

And although he was finally home, staring at the face of a man he hadn’t spoken to in ages, all he could think of was the kid. Their past fighting seemed like a picnic compared to the death of Peter. He wondered if Steve knew, before the words even left his mouth, just from the expression on his face. He wondered if things would ever change, if he could someday recover from his loss. Not today, not tomorrow, not weeks later, he knew. Maybe never. The morbid thought of outliving a teenager was crushing him, and there was nothing he - _Iron Man,_ could do about it. He couldn’t even save one kid.

The one kid he cared about most.

Tony rehearsed what he would say to Peter’s aunt if he returned to Earth. His determination for that alone seemed to deny him death, just so he could give the woman an account of her nephew’s last moments. She deserved to know; she deserved to understand all that Peter had done. It was a fifty percent chance that she was still alive. She would still be unaware of how he died - grasping Tony desperately and pleading for his life, and despite his inability to put it into words, she should know everything. And when Tony was able to speak again, he would tell her how he failed the teenager. He never felt more unworthy of being the last face Peter saw before he reduced to ashes. The kid looked up to him so much, and he couldn’t fathom why.

Steve studied him as he struggled for words. He breathed in shakily, the words exiting him in one helpless exhale as he deflated from the indescribable weight pressing down on him.

“I lost the kid,” he whispered, unable to look away from Steve’s face as it dawned on the captain who he was referring to. Admitting it out loud made everything feel real. It threw Tony’s desire for everything to be some hellish nightmare away. His heart rate was increasing, anxiety pressing itself into his chest, suffocating him.

Steve paused for a moment, and said: “Tony, _we_ lost.”

Vaguely, Tony felt frustration build, one that only Steve was able to conjure even on his best days, but it was outweighed by his weakness in the moment. He didn’t have the strength then to yell, to curse. Yes, _they_ lost. They lost _so much_ , and yet his words felt patronizing, and Tony bitterly had the urge to demand if Steve knew what it felt like - losing a kid. To shake his shoulders and challenge his ever-present, persistent, stubborn reserve.

But all Tony could do was stutter brokenly, mind turning back to Peter - the way he died, his last words. _God_ , the regret that shone in his eyes, like Thanos was _his_ fault - like the atrocities of a man who killed millions were the responsibility of a sixteen year old kid who hadn’t even graduated high school yet. Peter’s powers rushed to heal his body, postponing the inevitable. His death had been longer, more unbearable than the others. It wasn’t fair, none of it was fair, and the lump in Tony’s throat only got bigger.

“He said I’m…” _I’m sorry,_ is what Peter told him, but Tony couldn’t. _He couldn’t._ He felt tears well up in his eyes - it had been at least a week since he cried last.

“Oh, my God,” a feminine voice exclaimed suddenly, and Tony felt a wave of indescribable relief. Pepper tearfully wrapped her arms around him, and he closed his eyes. She was alive. Pepper was alive - Thanos didn’t take her away from him. Tony didn’t know what he would do if he had. He kissed his fiance’s cheek, and told her “it’s okay,” even though he wasn’t sure if anything would ever be okay again.

 

**━━━━━━━━━━━━**

 

Pepper gently sat down in the chair next to Tony’s bed. He was gaining consciousness again, eyes fluttering occasionally as the sedatives wore off. His breakdown left her a bit shaken, still imagining the way he fell to the floor in a heap. She just got him back, he would not die after everything they went through. She brushed a stray hair from Tony’s forehead, caressing his cheek tenderly.

She almost missed his eyes opening, staring tiredly at her. Surprised, but saying nothing, she moved her hand to his and gripped it. “You’re home,” Pepper said to him.

Tony closed his eyes and sighed. He looked exhausted. She wished she could somehow give him strength, peace - to take his place and give him a well-deserved rest. His eyebrows furrowed painfully, and he squeezed her hand back.

“I couldn’t save him.”

He said it like each word carved a hole in his heart. Pepper knew who he spoke of, she saw his face flash on the screens in the main room. She saw the way Tony’s entire body seemed to cave in when he caught sight of it. There were so many things he didn’t tell her, but this was eating him up from the inside.

“It’s not your fault, Tony,” she assured him.

He rested a hand on his eyes and wept.


End file.
